Daniel's life

And there he was. My sweet baby boy. My BIG baby boy! Babies with TD are generally quite small, and I was expecting him to be maybe 5 pounds. My Daniel was 10 pounds! He had short arms and legs, but he was a big boy.

"Oh, sweet boy," I said.

My doctor took him to the nurses to be quickly cleaned and wrapped in his blankets, before giving him to David to bring to me. We held him between us while David sang to him the songs that he had sung to him before his birth. We hoped hearing his daddy's familiar voice would bring him comfort.

David asked if someone could please get my father, to come and assist in giving Daniel his name and blessing, a special religious rite that we were thankful to have time for while he was alive, and thankful that the hospital would bend the rules enough for us to invite my dad to be there.

After his blessing, Daniel was given back to me, and one of my nurses helped me to wrap my arms around him (I was still in surgery). I remember putting my forehead to his. He was so still and peaceful. I just hoped that he could feel how much his mother loved him. So much.

It was during this time that I had a feeling that his spirit had left his little body, though there was no obvious physical change, as we could not detect his breathing while he was alive. I didn't know for sure, but there was a moment when I just had a feeling that his spirit had passed on. I didn't say anything. I just held him and loved him.

If I'm remembering correctly, David took Daniel back to the nurses to see if there was anything we should be doing differently. If we should be holding him differently, etc. At that time, one of my nurses came over to me and looked me straight in the eyes, deeper than anyone has probably ever looked right into my eyes. She had tears, and she bent down to put her forehead on mine.

"You are a beautiful, special mother," she said.

My surgery was finished and they began to wheel me toward the door. David had been with the nurses, and he brought Daniel back to me. I asked him, "Is he still breathing?" There was a hush in the room as he and the neonatologist told me that, no, he wasn't. He had passed away in my arms. David bent over and put his face on mine while we cried. I glanced around the room and saw everyone else perfectly still and perfectly silent.

The records say Daniel lived for 32 minutes. We had hoped for more time, but we were so thankful we had at least a little time with him.