Happy things

We finally got Daniel's marker placed at his grave this weekend. I love it so much.






The prints were engraved from Daniel's actual prints, true to size.





It was a happy day. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and it was a perfect day to spend some time honoring our little guy.

I posted photos on Facebook when we got back from our trip to Idaho. My mom made this comment on the album:

"I love the pictures. And more than that, I love that you can miss your boy so much and still be OK. You and Dave and Charlie have come a long way."

She's right. We are OK. We certainly still have our sad moments, and we miss him literally every day. I don't think I ever go more than a few minutes at a time without thinking of him.

When I was pregnant with him and after his birth and death, I sometimes wondered when I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had faith it would come. I knew from others' experiences that while the heartache really never goes away, that I could still be a happy person. Sometimes I felt like I had to give myself permission to be happy. As a grieving parent I felt hesitant to be happy, as if being happy would somehow dishonor Daniel. I know better now, but it was something I had to learn.

But the truth is, I am a naturally happy person. And I know that Daniel wants me to be happy! I know it! I know that his spirit lives and that we will be together as a family again someday. I have had special moments when I know his presence has been close, and I know Dave and Charlie have, too. I hesitate to even share that because I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy or grasping at straws, but at the same time, I want to bear testimony that through this experience I know that Daniel has a living spirit, and that the rest of us always will, too.

My church just had its semi-annual General Conference where church leaders from all over the world choose their own topics and address the entire church to teach the gospel and inspire and uplift us. Those who share my faith won't be surprised to learn that I listened with heightened interest to the talk from Shayne M. Bowen, addressing parents who have lost children.

I loved the whole talk, but especially this part:

Tyson has remained a very integral part of our family. Through the years it has been wonderful to see the mercy and kindness of a loving Father in Heaven, who has allowed our family to feel in very tangible ways the influence of Tyson. I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.

 I loved that part because it validated that when you lose a loved one, you can, at times, still feel their presence close. "Tangible." It's true. We have known it, and we hope for more special experiences as we wait for that wonderful day when we will be together again.

I also have a tiny miracle to report! Daniel is going to be a big brother! We are going to have another baby, due in April. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet, but we probably will within the next few weeks. All babies are miracles, but I use the word because we usually have to wait for our babies. It took 5 years of trying before we had Charlie, and then 3 years for Daniel. But this little one is much more punctual! In fact, we weren't even trying when this one decided to come along. Imagine our surprise when I took a pregnancy test only because I was one day late and not at all expecting a positive, and it was positive! I always have big ideas for how I will tell Dave I am pregnant, but I was in such shock that I just walked over to him and put the test in front of his face. We were both totally surprised. I am 13 weeks along right now, and as far as we can tell, the baby seems to be growing normally. I don't think I'll really be able to breathe that sigh of relief until our big ultrasound in a few weeks, but we have no reason to expect anything to go wrong. But prayers are always welcome, of course. :)