Coming closer to Christ

This week, my cousin Traci contacted me asking if she could share something about our experience with Daniel in the lesson she was preparing for church. The topic was about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so she asked if I would share how having Daniel helped us to know Christ. This is what I wrote for her. Some of it has been shared here before, but not all of it.

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Four years ago, I was pregnant with our second child, Daniel. We had waited and prayed for him for several years and we were so happy he was finally coming.

The night before our big ultrasound, my husband and I were praying together. During the prayer, I wanted to ask, "Please bless us that the ultrasound will go well and that our baby will be healthy." As I tried to say those words, I was stopped. They wouldn't come out. But, for some reason, I wasn't alarmed. I felt peace.

The next day, at our ultrasound, the usually cheerful and talkative sonographer was quiet and seemed a little anxious. She got the gender reveal out of the way almost right away. Our older boy, Charlie, sounded so sweet as he asked, "Is it a brother?" It was a brother, and we were all so excited.

Eventually, the tech put her things down. I can remember it as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. She said to us, "I've got to be honest. I have some concerns." She told us that his bones were short and there was some concern about the shape of his head, and that he appeared to be a dwarf. She led us to a room to wait for the doctor.

We were reeling, but I still felt peaceful. This was unexpected, but we could do this! We knew we would have to be prepared and learn a lot, but this was okay.

When the doctor came, he confirmed to us that our baby appeared to have some type of dwarfism. He told us that some types of dwarfism are fatal, but there are many types of dwarfism that aren't.

They scheduled us to see specialists the next day. At this followup appointment, everything changed when we learned that our son showed all the signs of having one of the lethal types.

We were devastated. We were told that if I chose to continue the pregnancy, I would very likely go to full term. They told us the baby was fine as long as I was pregnant, but as soon as he was born and needed to breathe on his own, his lungs wouldn't be able to do the job. He might live for a few hours, if we were lucky.

I felt like I must be the only mother to ever get that kind of news. That I could carry him for four more months and he would be fine during that time, but that he wouldn't survive outside of me.

We were heartbroken. My parents came to be with us for that weekend, and continued to come whenever they could for the rest of the pregnancy. Sometimes my mom came every weekend.

I had a sweet and wonderful visiting teacher who was very brave for me during this time. She called just when I needed her, and was always just pushy enough to convince me to let her help me. One day, she called and could tell I was having a rough day. She canceled her plans for the day and enlisted a friend to come with her to do my grocery shopping and clean my kitchen. She cheered me up in a big way that day. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, she frequently made dinner for my family. One week, she cooked for us five nights in a row. Her service to us was so touching to me, and she was such a blessing to us. She was caring for us during our hardest time, just as our Savior needed her to.

One Sunday, my mom and I were sitting in Relief Society together. I don't remember if this came directly from the lesson or if it was just an impression that I had during the meeting, but I realized that although I couldn't do anything about my baby's diagnosis and I couldn't save his life, that I could give my will to the Lord. I could trust Him completely and know that Daniel had a special purpose and that we would be okay.

The closing hymn that day was "Come, Come, Ye Saints." I cried as we sang the words:

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!

In the midst of my sadness, it was so comforting for me to consider what an incredible blessing it was that my child couldn't be touched by the sorrows or temptations of this world. He was pure and he would always be pure. He would never be mistreated, only loved.

Whenever I need reassurance that my Savior knows me and loves me, I think on that prayer, the night before my ultrasound. All I wanted was to ask that everything would be normal and okay, but I couldn't speak the words. But I know, without a doubt, that it's because God was aware and in control. And I know it because of the peace that was given throughout my pregnancy. I know it because our burdens truly were made lighter by loved ones on the Lord's errand. I know it because we could feel the prayers of others helping us to be okay.

During the four more months of pregnancy after we got the news, we did everything we could to make memories with Daniel while he was still physically with us. It was a difficult but very special time for our family.

Daniel lived for 32 minutes. During and after his birth we had some very special and sacred experiences that further confirmed to us that our Savior was aware and loved us.

Being his parents has been such a blessing. Four years later, we are still learning all the time what an impact his life has had on others, and huge blessings that have come from that. I am so thankful that I get to be his mother, and I look forward to the day that I will hold him again.